


Getting By

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 20:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3147626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He wasn’t what I wanted, but he was what I had.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting By

I’m in the bathroom when the doorchime sounds. 

“Come in.” I yell, figuring Tom is back early from his away mission. 

I frown when I see Chakotay standing in my living quarters.   
I wonder why he’s here and Tom isn’t. I can’t really read the look on his face. 

“You’re done playing in the sand already?”   
I say it lightly, but I don’t manage to keep the mocking tone out of my voice. I still don’t understand why he decided to waste Tom’s time digging up fossils.

His voice is so weak, I almost don’t hear the words he whispers.   
“There’s been an accident.” 

“Accident?”   
My mouth is suddenly dry.

He can’t face me when he speaks, louder this time, mechanically.   
“Tom slipped and fell down a ravine. He… didn’t make it.” 

“What?” I stammer and reach out to a nearby chair for support. I feel the air disappearing from my lungs.  
I notice there’s blood on Chakotay’s uniform and on his hands when he reaches out for me. 

“I’m so sorry B’Elanna.” He squeezes my arm. “There was nothing we could do…” 

“I want to see him.” I croak. 

Chakotay bows his head. “He’s in Sickbay.” 

Our trip to Sickbay passes in total silence. I have so many questions but I can’t ask them yet, not until I’ve seen him. Not until I’ve touched him. Not until I can wrap my head around Chakotay’s words.

When I approach Tom’s body, I notice there’s blood in his hair. It darkens his blond mane, making the contrast with his unnaturally pale face even more grotesque. 

The Doctor provides me with an overview of Tom’s injuries and I listen without taking my eyes of the body in front of me. 

“Did he suffer?”   
The words sound ridiculous, even to my own ears. From the way he looks it’s obvious that his death was painful. I can only hope that it was quick.

The Doctor opens his mouth to answer and at the same time I feel a big warm hand on my shoulder.  
“He didn’t suffer B’Elanna.” Chakotay tries to reassure me. “It all happened so fast.”

I know he means well but I feel a sudden flare of anger rise in my chest and shake his hands off me.   
“Why did he have to come with you on your stupid away mission anyway?” I spit. “It’s not like paleontology was his thing, it’s yours.” 

“B’Elanna…”   
There’s pain in his eyes and he reaches out.

I roughly push him away.   
“This is all on you.” I hiss. 

Two smaller hands grab my arms from behind. “Alright, alright.” The Captain interjects, soft but resolutely. “This was an accident, nothing more.” 

I struggle in her grasp but I don’t want to hurt her. My fight is not with the Captain.   
“Just stay away from me.” I lash out at Chakotay and Janeway drags me out of Sickbay before I can punch him. 

Outside, she pushes me against the wall and holds me there to calm down. She doesn’t say a word until I’ve stopped struggling. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” 

The words are soft and sincere, like she is.   
I respond by grinding my teeth and pushing her away, heading for the turbolift. 

She follows me. Into the turbolift and into my quarters.

I stomp around my quarters, removing the few items here that belonged to Tom. His razor, his sonic toothbrush, a spare uniform, … Not much to show for a life partially shared.

When I’m finished Janeway is still standing there.   
“Will you be alright?” 

I turn around, ready to lash out at her, but I see tears in her eyes and that stops me.   
I wonder briefly if I should cry as well. 

“He wasn’t what I wanted, but he was what I had.”   
I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but I need it said. 

She frowns at my words and I can see she understands but doesn’t want to face them.   
“You loved him.” 

“Sometimes we have to make do with what we can have, Captain.” 

She shakes her head and I see anger play in her eyes because she finds my words disrespectful to him. 

But they’re true.

I was with him, not because he was ‘the one’, but because he was ‘the one option’. 

“He made me laugh. He pissed me off.” I shrug. “I took what I could get and I got by.” 

“Won’t you miss him?” 

Her words float in the air and my shoulders sag. “I will.” 

Her hand softly squeezes my arm. “You will still get by.” 

I look into her eyes and I’m not sure that I can still settle for getting by.   
I kiss her. 

She pulls back.   
“You’re in shock.” 

“It was always you.” I confess courageously. 

I see realization dawn on her face, followed by sadness.   
“It can’t be me, B’Elanna. I’m sorry.” 

The finality in her voice brings a chill over me.

“You’ll get by.” She repeats her earlier words, intending them as a kind of comfort.  
She squeezes my arm again before she leaves.

And I realize that getting by is all I can hope for.  
What I had is gone. What I want just left.

I sink down on the couch and finally I cry.

For him.  
For her.  
For me.


End file.
